Zetsu and the Kitten Who Just Wouldn't Die
by littiot
Summary: A hungry Zetsu wanders across a kitten while the rest of the Akatsuki are out to lunch, and attempts to eat it, but this kitten just won't die! Zetsu then must learn about the horrors of bathing, nail trimming, grooming, feeding, and giving medacine to a


One day, our favorite cannibalistic plant man was wandering through the forest, not far from the Akatsuki hideout. It was Friday, which meant that Sasori, Deidara, Itachi, Kisame, Tobi, Kakuzu, Hidan, and Sir Leader were all taking their weekly trip to Friendly's for lunch. But this was no ordinary Friendly's, it was...the worlds largest Friendly's located in New York city, which had very expensive prices, mind you.

Back to Zetsu. Who is currently wandering about the forest, searching for some dead bodies to eat, but he would settle for some poor innocent live ninja who just happened to be in his path. All he had eaten so far was an owl, two foxes, and had attempted to snatch a cow from a nearby farm, but was foiled when the rust old farmer thought he was some sort of coyote with fungus and chased him out with a good 'ol fashioned rifle.

By now, poor Zetsu was starved with the slim pickings this afternoon, although he did plan to go cow tipping during the night. He sighed and headed back for the Akatsuki hideout. He'd just have to eat the mailman if he came by today. But mailmen are usually too soggy for Zetsu, so it's like he'd have to eat lima beans and liver instead of a raw bloody cow. Oh, that Zetsu!

Zetsu hiked his way back to the large cave, dodging various traps his fellow Akatsuki members set to catch potential threats, and Sai. But he suddenly stopped when he heard a noise. It was a soft mew-friendly, golden, melodious, sweet...whatever had made that sound had to taste good. So he searched around until the sound came again. Zetsu quickly followed it to behind a rock. And there lay a beautiful calico kitten, her coat patched with pure white, and warm orange and grey tones. The kitten looked up at Zetsu with her big blue eyes and meowed again. Zetsu thought this was so cute that he almost threw up. But he couldn't, because he had barley eaten anything, and wanted to keep down what he had already eaten.

Zetsu picked up the kitten by her middle with one hand, and brought it to eye level with him. The kitten tilted her head and mewed softly. "...lunch time." Zetsu stated, before dangling the kitten above his mouth cartoon-fashioned. The kitten gave a loud "ROW" and began struggling. Then, Zetsu released her and she dropped into his mouth. Zetsu chewed a few times before swallowing. "A little on the sweet side." he commented, licking his lips. He was about to stroll off again before he heard something.

"Mew!"

"What? There's more?" Zetsu asked hopefully to no one in particular and check the area where he had found his currently digesting kitten.

"Mrew!" the noise came shrill, accompanied by a few softer mews.

Suddenly, Zetsu's stomach burned. It felt like he was being stabbed from the inside. His mind flickered to the kitten. Was the kitten spoiled? Had it been poisoned by an enemy? He dropped to his knees, holding his stomach, groaning in pain. Then, Zetsu started coughing. Something was making it's way up his esophagus. Whatever it was, it was big! He didn't know if he was going to throw up, or cough up. Finally, after a series of mad coughs, Zetsu gave a final forceful cough, and a furry little object fell to the ground. Zetsu rolled over, clutching his chest, gasping for air. Once he realized he would be okay, he turned to see what he had coughed up.

"Mrew!" came the angry voice of a kitten covered in bile. Zetsu blinked. Maybe if he smashed it first, it would go down easier. And just like that, Zetsu picked up a large boulder with ease, and threw it down onto the kitten. He waited a few seconds. There had been no crunch of little kitten bones. He pondered this until he heard a muffled "mew". Zetsu hurriedly picked up the rock and threw it in another direction, accidentally killing Christopher Walken.

There, not a hair out of place, was the kitten. Zetsu just stared at it. It stared back. "Mrew!" it exclaimed, as if it were telling some exciting story. It then walked up to Zetsu, pawed at his sandal, and emitted a purr. Zetsu, who knows nothing about cats, was baffled. "A mechanical animal? But what is it doing? Going into overdrive? Venting it's exhaust?" he guessed, watching the kitten rub is wet biley head all over his foot. Zetsu cringed is disgust. And it took a lot to make him do that. "Well...whatever you are, I'd better take you back to the base with me. Maybe you're a new kind of mechanical puppet. Sasori could probably find out how you work and we could use that to our advantage...leader would be pleased." he thought out loud.

And just like that, Zetsu picked the happy kitten up and frolicked home to go clean it up.

* * *

Well, now wasn't that gross? xD I will continue this story, so watch for the next chapter: The Bath! 

I dun't own the Akatsuki, or Sai. Or any Naruto character. Ray Charles does. Or some other guy.


End file.
